Things That Make Me go hu? or Times That a Single Person Does a Double Take.

• The moment your friends' family pictures replace their engagement pictures on your fridge.
• When you go to a family reunion (like last weekend) and instead of dating stories, all you hear about are stretch marks, labor stories, and comparing of children's personalities.
• When you realize that the guy next door is probably freaked out thinking that you like him because you say, "hi," and the reason he's probably freaked out is that you're a few YEARS older than a returned missionary!

Melancholy Moments

I just found a blog by an old friend, and I didn't realize it, but she just had a still born baby a few months ago. Tears streamed down my face as I read, something that never would have happened a few years ago... I was going to say the usual, I haven't had anything compared to that, but again, we all experience loss. It's made me think about loss and the idea that maybe that is one thing that makes us human. Or should I say a deeper human being. To me it's like a little piece of myself goes with them when the people leave, or the experiences are over. It's a part of me that can never be recovered, and my life will never be the same. Not to say that great and wonderful times and feelings aren't there, but it's not like you can fill up a hole with marshmallows and have it be like the concrete that was once there. (I just made that up, I'm not quite sure if it makes sense)

"You don't know what it's like, to be the bad man, to be the sad man, behind blue eyes." I don't even know if those are the right words to the song, but it's what I've been feeling lately. I haven't really opened up to anyone about my life, except for my coworker who is now gone with her new baby. It's like I put on a fake smile, go to work, church, research, and home again all the while mourning all of my "used to haves." Maybe the things I used to have weren't that great, but I really miss them.

Things I miss:
Deep and connecting conversations
Having people to hike with
Morning walks/runs with friends
Long phone conversations that would last for hours and not get boring.
Hope, hope for myself, my future,
Belief, belief in love, in my abilities, and that things would get better (it's been a long time, and it's not better).
The feeling of peace/love/that I was fine/blessed by God.
Feeling that somebody really knew me, and they were ok with that.
looking forward to a future- with someone.
"Hyperness"
Laughing contests and welcome to the kitchen dances (my sibs are getting old)
Hay Hay Hay days, happy DAE's, and Twinner dates.
Being Cheesy
Yosemite:
Bagillions of Stars
Versatile Waterfalls
the Valley Loop
colored leaves and dogwood flowers
Other Places:
missionary experiences
Meeting new people all of the time
MOVING!!!!!!!
Being in shape

In thinking about my life, I always feel like I'm the only one like me, nobody else has the experiences that I've had, so how could they possibly understand? I guess the point is that NOBODY has had the experiences you have had, but EVERYONE experiences loss in some way, and it hurts. It's a feeling felt singly, by the collective beings that inhabit the Earth. I feel like my entire life and my real self is gone, at least the one I once knew and lived. I've really lived. That is a great thing to say. I keep telling myself that my life isn't over yet, but I'm just feeling old and like the good times have passed me by.

PS Dan added me as a friend on Facebook. Why does he come around when I'm feeling vulnerable?

Joys of "Singlehood"

Here's my list of why it's good to be single- don't worry all you married people, I'm sure there's great things about your stage in life too ;)

• No labor pains! my sister Sheri just had her third baby- ouch! He is adorable, and from what I hear, worth it.
  
  
• I can get plenty of sleep: without kids crawling into my bed, crying because they had a bad dream, or just wanting a drink of water. I can also stay up late and sleep in because there's nobody who wakes up and needs me- except my job of course.
• I get paid for my job, and can socialize with adults during the day.
• I can travel without making pit stops to feed/change the baby every few miles. Freedom is lovely :)
• I haven't had any arguments lately about who is spending over the budget!
• I can still dream about who I'm going to marry, and he'll of course be everything I've ever wished for.
• The "adjustment period" only counts for roommates and they aren't home often enough to make it a big deal.
• Education, I kind of like it.
• Best of all, I get to enjoy all the great things about my nieces and nephews (giggles, cute sayings, just being adorable etc.), but get to send them to their parents when they're fussy or they need a diaper change :D
• 

I'll think of more and let you know. Is there anything you marrieds miss about being single?

age differences

I found out yesterday that I am 9 years older than my new roommate. We were driving in my other roommate's car to FHE, and The "baby" of the apartment innocently asked how old I was. Hearing myself tell my "old" age and finding that they are much younger (the other one is 23), put me in a tale spin. I could almost see the fear in their eyes, that someday they might be as old as me, still be single, and moving into yet another apartment. I could also hear the unasked question of "what have you done with your life?" Really I don't know where the time has gone. Somehow I ended up being old without really knowing how that happened.

I think back to when I was 19, and almost want to start my life over at that time. I realize that I have learned much and hopefully matured a little over the last 9 years, but I can resolutely say that I never wanted to be where I am today. When I was 20 and "unofficially engaged" (does anyone else have such a long list of types of engagements in their past? I have: unofficially engaged, engaged to be engaged, officially engaged [with a ring], a planned elopement, and simply planning on getting married as soon as certain life events happen. Thankfully none of these plans materialized) I remember thinking, "but I wanted to get married when I was 28!" At that time, I had a lot I still wanted to do, and marriage would put a damper on those things. Now, I AM 28, and still have a lot of that list left to do. I wanted to be amazing and world changing. Instead I'm pretty normal, if not behind in some accomplishments that others my age have achieved. What do others see when they take stock of their lives? Maybe this is what it's like to have a mid-life crisis. This is my 1/4 life crisis.

I just wrote a whole list of things I've done with my life, but it didn't really help. Do I need to prove my worth to myself because my life is different from my planned one, or different from others? It doesn't really work. There's really not much I can do about what's gotten me here, I can only "be the change I want to see in the world (Gandhi)."