Normal for a day.

That title is of course ambiguous, because normal for me probably isn't normal for everyone else... I am feeling pretty content right now, and I haven't had any huge emotional roller coaster ride for a few minutes so I figured it was a good time to write.

Right now I'm just wondering about plans, as in "Why does Heavenly Father always seem to have different plans than I do, and why does it take me so long to figure out what HIS plans are??? " Really, I knew that once I moved out of Utah Valley it would be an interesting ride, but this isn't exactly what I pictured. Sometimes, let's face it, I just like my plans better. I was all set to move to FL, then AK, then Grad School. Then I moved home, realized that I like this place (I love the memories and traditions that I've missed out on for the last few years), then I called FL and realized I don't like that place as much (having to work on Sundays and live in co-ed housing broke the fantasy bubble a little). I then decided to find a job here in the Cedar City area... only there ARE no jobs in the Cedar City area. Even though I've graduated, the job market is the same as it used to be, only I can't get a student job anymore :( Right about now, after two or so weeks of job searching and finding nothing, I'm really thinking I like my own plan better. I'll just have to wait it out to see the final result of trying to do God's will. Of course there's little tender mercies all around me, and it's been great fun to be here. I just hope something changes before my savings runs out.

Another thing that's normal: I've found another adventurous place to live! There's a KOA campground in Cedar City, and they have a sign saying "student housing available." I could just picture somebody living in a KOA Kabin and I had to call! They actually have RV's to rent by the month, and if I wasn't living at home I'd be all for it. I guess first I'll have to find a job, then move in. If that happens, I'll be right over the fence from my sister Kathy. I want to laugh every time I think about it, because it's like the Indian movie we watched yesterday. The rich live on one side of the fence (she's looking to buy a huge house with about 6 bedrooms), and the dirt- poor people live on the other side. Wow we're in different points in our lives, and yes, once again, I am the older but more crazy sister. It somehow reminds me of our old apartments. My little siblings would come to my house and jump off the walls, dancing and singing, even though I stressed the thinness of the walls and our poor neighbors who had to listen to us. Then they'd go to Kathy's apartment and sit quietly on her couch, asking her how her day went. FYI: You're all invited to a party at the RV place, but of course only one of you can fit inside at a time. LOL.
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I just tried to find a pic. of an RV, but who knows if it's "stealing bandwidth?" I guess I won't risk it. Just picture a great big RV right in this spot and me laughing uproariously about it.

second chances

Well Nate set a record for me, because unlike every other time an incident of this catastrophic proportion happened in past relationships, he actually called back and didn't want to leave things as they were. We're much better now, but it's not exactly how it was. I guess we'll just have to wait and see how we both behave when a touchy issue comes up again. Until then I'll just ponder the record breaking moment.

Uggghhh

First of all, Rachel, congrats on finding my blog! I haven't given the address to many people, because of the subject matter. Most of my friends are married, and I usually have some gripe against married people. My main complaint is that they just don't get what it's like to be the second oldest with 3 YOUNGER married sisters. Seriously, my baby sister who is 8 YEARS younger than me tried to give me dating advice. I laughed and had to remind her that she dated a total of 2 guys, neither one broke her heart, and she married the second! All I have to show for my dating past is broken hearts left and right. You'd think that after awhile I'd get the point but I guess I'm a glutton for punishment.

Secondly. I hate relationships. When they're good, they're very very good, but when they're bad, they're horrid. I finally got to the point of admitting that I'm dating Nate. It took a lot to let go and trust that much... Then last night, or actually early this morning it all went south. He left in huff and I stormed into my house, grabbed a coat and stomped down to the stop sign about 1/2 mile away. Right when I got to the stop sign a cop pulled over and asked what was going on. I know, I know, it's not very smart for a girl to go angrily walking down the street at 1 am, even if it is Enoch, UT. I said I was just walking off some steam and that I lived close by. He asked if everything was ok, and I can only assume he thought I was a domestic violence victim or something. I said I was fine, and he drove away.

I have no idea what time I went to bed, but I really didn't want to face the day today. I stayed in bed until 3 pm (definitely a record), since all of our plans for the day of temple attendance and a baptism went out the window, I could afford it (refer to the joys of singlehood, i.e. no kids to have to wake up and function for). Here I am, with plans to travel and go to grad school, then I meet this guy and wonder how much I should change my plans, then we both say hurtful things one night, and it's all seemingly over. Maybe it's just not a good idea for two people who have been hurt in the past to get together. Being hurt again is bound to happen. I wish it were easier, and that neither of us had big issues, but news to the rest of the world, we do. Why do some people have it easy when it comes to getting married? They meet someone, fall in love, and get married. They don't have a past full of hurt to worry about, or even "a past" to speak of. Eighteen year olds have it easy! They haven't had time to mess up their lives like we ancient people have.

I don't know if I want to deal with this; but I did just listen to my voicemail message and he called to apologize........ That's better than E, who acted like everything was fine, then let me go for days and days wondering what had happened because he was too chicken to pick up the phone to tell me it was over.

I have to think about it. Can anyone tell me that relationships are really worth it? I need to know.

Reality

It just dawned on me that a huge issue for an "older single" is the idea of going into a relationship after being hurt in the past. I've been on a few dates with this guy, and let's be honest, I really like him. BUT scared-out-of-my-mind doesn't even begin to describe the gut-ache I feel when the word(s) "boyfriend, engagement, planning a wedding, and marriage" come to my mind. (And NO, we aren't even close to the point of any of the above words, it's just that my mind seems to automatically skip to those things. I'm reminded of how awful it was, in the past, during those stages; and I really don't want to relive any of those moments. EVER.) I keep telling myself to take it day by day, but wow is it hard! I never thought I'd be the way I am now, probably because dating used to be so easy. I told this present guy that I have a hard time trusting and really having hope for relationships. He said he wouldn't break my heart, but I've actually heard something similar to that before... and a few months after that time, I was left by myself crying in the rain. I rarely cry.

If you don't like bulleted lists, you're reading the wrong blog :) At moments like these I've found things that help me cope:

• I have a list of songs that go from wanting the other person to cry for you, to crying yourself, to having some hope, to enjoying a peaceful relationship! If it can happen in a playlist of songs, I'm sure it can happen in real life.
  
• I remind myself of all the good qualities of this person, that show he is trustworthy.
  
• Sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe, I hear it helps! Yoga, I keep meaning to do that...
• I like to talk to people and get my feelings out. I'm enjoying being with my family again, because I don't have to explain my whole life story to them. They already know my struggles, and can help me find the new joys.
  
• I have yet to find a situation in life that a movie quote doesn't help: "A life lived in fear is a life half lived." and later: "We lived our lives in fear! (from Strictly Ballroom)" I'm not sure where this quote came from, but "the only alternative (to being with people) is isolation, loneliness, boredom, and despair." I don't want any of that.
  
• Most importantly, I remind myself of the answers to prayers I've had, beg Heavenly Father to help me once again, go to the temple, read through my patriarchal blessing, and basically try to feel the spirit and some peace.