Uggghhh

First of all, Rachel, congrats on finding my blog! I haven't given the address to many people, because of the subject matter. Most of my friends are married, and I usually have some gripe against married people. My main complaint is that they just don't get what it's like to be the second oldest with 3 YOUNGER married sisters. Seriously, my baby sister who is 8 YEARS younger than me tried to give me dating advice. I laughed and had to remind her that she dated a total of 2 guys, neither one broke her heart, and she married the second! All I have to show for my dating past is broken hearts left and right. You'd think that after awhile I'd get the point but I guess I'm a glutton for punishment.

Secondly. I hate relationships. When they're good, they're very very good, but when they're bad, they're horrid. I finally got to the point of admitting that I'm dating Nate. It took a lot to let go and trust that much... Then last night, or actually early this morning it all went south. He left in huff and I stormed into my house, grabbed a coat and stomped down to the stop sign about 1/2 mile away. Right when I got to the stop sign a cop pulled over and asked what was going on. I know, I know, it's not very smart for a girl to go angrily walking down the street at 1 am, even if it is Enoch, UT. I said I was just walking off some steam and that I lived close by. He asked if everything was ok, and I can only assume he thought I was a domestic violence victim or something. I said I was fine, and he drove away.

I have no idea what time I went to bed, but I really didn't want to face the day today. I stayed in bed until 3 pm (definitely a record), since all of our plans for the day of temple attendance and a baptism went out the window, I could afford it (refer to the joys of singlehood, i.e. no kids to have to wake up and function for). Here I am, with plans to travel and go to grad school, then I meet this guy and wonder how much I should change my plans, then we both say hurtful things one night, and it's all seemingly over. Maybe it's just not a good idea for two people who have been hurt in the past to get together. Being hurt again is bound to happen. I wish it were easier, and that neither of us had big issues, but news to the rest of the world, we do. Why do some people have it easy when it comes to getting married? They meet someone, fall in love, and get married. They don't have a past full of hurt to worry about, or even "a past" to speak of. Eighteen year olds have it easy! They haven't had time to mess up their lives like we ancient people have.

I don't know if I want to deal with this; but I did just listen to my voicemail message and he called to apologize........ That's better than E, who acted like everything was fine, then let me go for days and days wondering what had happened because he was too chicken to pick up the phone to tell me it was over.

I have to think about it. Can anyone tell me that relationships are really worth it? I need to know.