Reality

It just dawned on me that a huge issue for an "older single" is the idea of going into a relationship after being hurt in the past. I've been on a few dates with this guy, and let's be honest, I really like him. BUT scared-out-of-my-mind doesn't even begin to describe the gut-ache I feel when the word(s) "boyfriend, engagement, planning a wedding, and marriage" come to my mind. (And NO, we aren't even close to the point of any of the above words, it's just that my mind seems to automatically skip to those things. I'm reminded of how awful it was, in the past, during those stages; and I really don't want to relive any of those moments. EVER.) I keep telling myself to take it day by day, but wow is it hard! I never thought I'd be the way I am now, probably because dating used to be so easy. I told this present guy that I have a hard time trusting and really having hope for relationships. He said he wouldn't break my heart, but I've actually heard something similar to that before... and a few months after that time, I was left by myself crying in the rain. I rarely cry.

If you don't like bulleted lists, you're reading the wrong blog :) At moments like these I've found things that help me cope:

• I have a list of songs that go from wanting the other person to cry for you, to crying yourself, to having some hope, to enjoying a peaceful relationship! If it can happen in a playlist of songs, I'm sure it can happen in real life.
  
• I remind myself of all the good qualities of this person, that show he is trustworthy.
  
• Sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe, I hear it helps! Yoga, I keep meaning to do that...
• I like to talk to people and get my feelings out. I'm enjoying being with my family again, because I don't have to explain my whole life story to them. They already know my struggles, and can help me find the new joys.
  
• I have yet to find a situation in life that a movie quote doesn't help: "A life lived in fear is a life half lived." and later: "We lived our lives in fear! (from Strictly Ballroom)" I'm not sure where this quote came from, but "the only alternative (to being with people) is isolation, loneliness, boredom, and despair." I don't want any of that.
  
• Most importantly, I remind myself of the answers to prayers I've had, beg Heavenly Father to help me once again, go to the temple, read through my patriarchal blessing, and basically try to feel the spirit and some peace.