Melancholy Moments

I just found a blog by an old friend, and I didn't realize it, but she just had a still born baby a few months ago. Tears streamed down my face as I read, something that never would have happened a few years ago... I was going to say the usual, I haven't had anything compared to that, but again, we all experience loss. It's made me think about loss and the idea that maybe that is one thing that makes us human. Or should I say a deeper human being. To me it's like a little piece of myself goes with them when the people leave, or the experiences are over. It's a part of me that can never be recovered, and my life will never be the same. Not to say that great and wonderful times and feelings aren't there, but it's not like you can fill up a hole with marshmallows and have it be like the concrete that was once there. (I just made that up, I'm not quite sure if it makes sense)

"You don't know what it's like, to be the bad man, to be the sad man, behind blue eyes." I don't even know if those are the right words to the song, but it's what I've been feeling lately. I haven't really opened up to anyone about my life, except for my coworker who is now gone with her new baby. It's like I put on a fake smile, go to work, church, research, and home again all the while mourning all of my "used to haves." Maybe the things I used to have weren't that great, but I really miss them.

Things I miss:
Deep and connecting conversations
Having people to hike with
Morning walks/runs with friends
Long phone conversations that would last for hours and not get boring.
Hope, hope for myself, my future,
Belief, belief in love, in my abilities, and that things would get better (it's been a long time, and it's not better).
The feeling of peace/love/that I was fine/blessed by God.
Feeling that somebody really knew me, and they were ok with that.
looking forward to a future- with someone.
"Hyperness"
Laughing contests and welcome to the kitchen dances (my sibs are getting old)
Hay Hay Hay days, happy DAE's, and Twinner dates.
Being Cheesy
Yosemite:
Bagillions of Stars
Versatile Waterfalls
the Valley Loop
colored leaves and dogwood flowers
Other Places:
missionary experiences
Meeting new people all of the time
MOVING!!!!!!!
Being in shape

In thinking about my life, I always feel like I'm the only one like me, nobody else has the experiences that I've had, so how could they possibly understand? I guess the point is that NOBODY has had the experiences you have had, but EVERYONE experiences loss in some way, and it hurts. It's a feeling felt singly, by the collective beings that inhabit the Earth. I feel like my entire life and my real self is gone, at least the one I once knew and lived. I've really lived. That is a great thing to say. I keep telling myself that my life isn't over yet, but I'm just feeling old and like the good times have passed me by.

PS Dan added me as a friend on Facebook. Why does he come around when I'm feeling vulnerable?