Musings of a Melancholy Sort.

Today has been a bit cloudy and it started to rain as I got in my car on my way to work. It's the perfect weather for pondering.

I was supposed to be going on another hike to Harney Peak, the highest peak in the area, but after waiting by the lake for awhile, and not seeing the other girl (who is leaving next week and hasn't hiked it yet), I went home. There was a note on my door saying that she was in the store- so we were both waiting for the other one, but not knowing where to look. So we didn't go! Instead I got out my book that I've been reading, about two girls who were in a car accident. One died and one was in a coma, and their identities were mistaken. Their families went for FIVE WEEKS not knowing that their daughter wasn't where they thought they were. It's sooo sad, yet uplifting at the same time. Both families are strong Christians, and they were examples to the world, bring others to Christ through their pain.

I seriously started bawling more than once as I read of their experiences. What would it be like to loose a family member to death? I haven't had that experience yet, and hope that it never comes. Beyond that subject, the book made me think about my life. The girl who mostly recovered from the coma (you can't ever be the same after something like that) felt like she needed to do some great thing for God- to show that it was a good thing that she miraculously made it, and to honor the five people who died in the crash. One of her friends showed her the story of Elisha in the Bible, where it talks about God not being in the earthquake, or the strong wind, but the still small voice. The girl finally realized that she didn't need to do something heroic, but to let God whisper through her life. This affected me deeply. I've always wanted to do the same, do some great thing that would bring people flocking to the gospel, or to make such an impact on others that they'll never be the same again. Really, I don't think that this is what Heavenly Father needs from me. If no one ever gets baptized into the church because of me, if there is not a statue/school/road named after me, and even if orphans in Africa aren't able to have food because I was there- Still I know that I've done my best to follow the teachings of Christ, and I've tried to help others while in this life. Maybe I'll never do anything really great in this life, but I've gone where the Lord told me to go, and harder: not gone where really REALLY wanted to go, because I felt that it wasn't right. Maybe there is greatness in the small and simple things.

Sometimes I just wonder, is my life acceptable? Am I all that I need to be? Is my offering enough?

Then, another thing from the book- which is pretty awful to realize. The boyfriend of the girl who died, but they thought was in the coma, was so thoughtful and kind. I really started to cry when I thought of my dating past: I've NEVER dated someone like that (at least not with all of his qualities). It seems that those who broke my heart left the second anything went wrong, and they didn't seem to have a thought about how I might feel. It was a pretty melancholy moment. Maybe the point of it is that I am still single, because I haven't found someone like that. Maybe that time will come. It reemphasized the fact that I'm old, and a lot of concerns that I have now, never really crossed my mind when I was 20 ish.

It is good and bad to be older, because now I have more to look for:
Is he addicted to anything?
How does he treat me when I'm sick?
What is it like when we disagree? How does he deal with arguments?
Is he controlling?
Can he handle my roller coaster emotions? Or will he consider me stupid?
Will he push my boundaries in the chastity realm?
How will he take the hard conversations that are bound to come up?
Is he really dedicated to the gospel, or is it just a season in his life?
If I marry him, will he expect me to work?
Does he want kids? More than three? How does he feel about foster care?
Is he obsessed with gaming?
How does he deal with money? Can we communicate about it???
and now... What if I were in a coma? How long would he stick around?

Seriously, I could probably go on, but won't. I think that all I thought about back in the day was, "does he like to dance?" and, "can I talk to him?"

I hope there is someone around who is like that guy in the book. It was awfully sad when he found out the girl he loved had already died. :'(