Wow, what a day it was yesterday. Saturday was the end of a long week that included a lot of self anger because I can't seem to make things work out- ever, a lot of pain as memories were dredged up from the pit of despair, and a lot of wanting to be alone while in the midst of a family wedding celebration. I came home from Orem exhausted and didn't want to attend the planned on conference. The next day my mom kind of woke me up, and I dragged myself to the meeting about 15 minutes late. . . By the end of the sessions, I felt alive again! I saw friends from my old wards, and sisters from my new ward even asked how I was feeling. I guess I'm not that invisible. I've decided that staying at home for months does something to your brain.
Besides the social aspect of it, the spiritual boost was sorely needed, and I am so grateful for the timing of it. A couple of seminary teachers taught us about finding joy in the scriptures. I left with references to great quotes, and ideas for drinking in the word instead of just reading through. A personal issue with scriptures/prayer/fasting/tithing etc. for me, is that I've done these things for most of my life. Everyone promises great blessings for staying faithful, but at times I just don't see it. Sometimes (not all of the time) I wonder, "What's the point?" I'm doing all of these things, but my life stinks! It's times like these (feeling the spirit in a conference or while reading the scriptures) that make all of the work worth it. Why would anyone give you a gift that you're not willing to work for? In pondering more on that, I've realized that I have never in my life received a blessing the second I start to do something good. I decided to be better at reading the scriptures more than a month ago, and I'm finally feeling the blessing of that decision now. Yeah!
The next class I went to really made me think. It was "Finding Joy in Health and Inner Beauty." I expected it to be about dieting or something, but the speaker who is a dietitian, said that the spirit prompted her to speak on something else. She showed a picture that her little girl drew a few years ago. The drawing was of Mommy, and the woman had straggly hair, and a horridly mean look on her face. Who wants to look like that? She mentioned that it is inner beauty, kindness, peace, charity etc. that we seek. It probably didn't matter how much make up she wore the day her daughter drew the picture! The main message that I got from the talk was to listen to your body and spirit. What does my soul need more/less of? It knows what it needs! I loved that she said to eat what you need, not to stress about dieting etc. She then spoke of extremes from not listening. Are you too obsessed with your outer shell, loosing weight, dying hair etc. and not worried enough about your spirit? There was a story of a plump woman who made goal after goal for her new year's resolutions, all about weight. This woman then looked at her husband's goals. They included being a better husband/father, being more kind, spiritual etc. She realized that she need to focus more on the inside. On the other side of it, have you as a woman, completely lost yourself as you've seen to others' needs? Do you not take care of yourself because you feel it's selfish? We are daughters of GOD!!! Both extremes take away from our true identities.
The speaker told of some experiences from her own marriage. When she was first married, she was very selfish. She had a list of things that she wanted her husband to do, and decided that when he did them she'd be happy. He wasn't doing them, and she wasn't happy for a long time. She then realized what charity was, that it is kind, forgiving etc. and how selfish she was being. Now she gets up in the morning and fixes him orange juice, and kisses him when he comes in from work. Guess what, she's happier! The message I got was that you can't look for outside influences to make you happy.
For the other side (with a disclaimer that her husband is a great husband), she told us that she had heard about the 5 Love Languages book and wanted it for her birthday. Her husband gave it to her, and even gave her the day off so she could read it (I'm assuming this was a Saturday). It was an "ah ha" moment when she finally realized that she felt loved by quality time! But when she told her husband, they got into a huge argument. He was hurt/angry because he had been doing it "wrong" for the past however many years. The argument lasted for a week, and on Sunday they visited her parents' ward. She felt guilty for ever bringing it up, and told her husband that she wouldn't talk about it ever again. As she took the sacrament, she was still feeling unsettled, and felt like she should get a blessing from her dad. This was weird, because she just doesn't talk about her relationship with her parents! She finally asked him for a blessing, and in it was a surprising message. The Lord told her that, "You are a daughter of God, and you need to feel loved." It is not selfish to feel loved! Imagine that.
I enjoyed her last little story, because it dawned on me that people don't always take time to become self aware. It took her how long to figure out her love language? I realized that not everyone is a psych major, and they haven't taken a million personality/conflict style/family tests to figure themselves out. I kind of laughed, because I think about that stuff all the time. Love languages somehow comes up in the first few weeks of dating someone, as well as conflict styles, birth order, etc. Maybe I think too much, because somehow I'm the one without a relationship, while those who aren't so self reflective are the ones with the husbands/kids. Maybe that will be my mission, helping others understand themselves better? And the others can help me deal with relationships! We can all work together to become more like our Heavenly Father.
In reflecting on the message, I always wonder where the line is between being selfish and charitable. I guess you just need to follow the spirit and listen to your soul to figure it out. It's just sad that women tend to think that the only worth they have is from serving others. Serving is good, but your worth is not tied to things you do!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you really think God only loves us because of how ragged we are from giving to others? He loves us because of who we are, not what we do... Why would she think it selfish to tell her husband what will make her feel loved? It's selfish to have needs? Again, as a daughters of God we need to feel loved. The speaker made the point that while we do have that need, we can't be uncharitable/unkind/hurtful in our wanting it. We have to have patience as we teach others how to show it to us. All I can say is, watch Fireproof. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. I'm hoping that includes relationships for me. I felt picky, selfish, and hurtful after my last break up (I'm not used to being the "dumper"). I'm now realizing that as a daughter of God, it's OK to want and expect certain things from a relationship. Why else would you enter into one? It may never happen for me, but I'm glad to know that it's OK to have needs, and that it's good to take a step back and look at concerns before you get more serious. The day before the conference, as I sat in the sealing room waiting for my soon-to-be-married-cousin, I looked at a chandelier and thought about hope. As I observed it I thought, "I have about as much hope for a me in a good marriage as that little crystal, and I'll need as much as the whole chandelier to make it there." How do I get there? All things, ALL THINGS through the power of Christ. If He wants me there, He'll get me there, just like Nehemiah. That I can have faith in.
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